UPBRAID: to speak in an angry or critical way (to someone who has done something wrong)
SCOLD: remonstrate with or rebuke (someone) angrily
Between the day of our birth and the age of 3, we are all taught a valuable lesson about failure that can serve us well...if we take advantage of it. Sadly, many of us don't. Let me explain.
No matter how hard we try our best, at that age we experience failure. No surprise there, it's a given. We don't know what we're doing so we struggle. We fall short.
Whether it's holding your head up, rolling over, learning to crawl, to walk, eat, to "go potty"(yes, that's part of it too, folks, just keeping it real), to speak, even to tie your own shoes, there will be struggle, and there will be failure. It's all part of the process.
Generally speaking, how do people around us respond to our failed efforts at that age? Like this:
Yay! You did it! Good try! Awww...that's okay...try again! That's it! You got it! High five! Big hug!
You get lots of encouragement, pats on the back, a hug, a kiss, a head butt (Okay, maybe that was just me with my kids...gimme a break already, will ya?? I'm a dad!), a fist bump, whatever...in short, every milestone you reach leads to a celebration, large or small.
Why? Because nobody dwells on the fact that you failed, that's why! They notice and appreciate the fact that you TRIED! They realize failure is part of the learning process that leads to success.
When you do succeed at walking, talking, tying your shoes, doing "big kid" stuff, everybody jumps up and down like they just saw the ball drop in Times Square on New Years Eve. Life seems like one big party. It's all good....loads of fun, right..?
Not so fast, my friend...
Starting around age 4 or 5 something happens. Change takes place, a dramatic shift. People start looking at you differently. How so? I'm glad you asked...
People seem to get "selective amnesia." Assuming that once you taste success you should never fail again, they view your setbacks much differently than they once did. Their words suggest such failures are no longer acceptable:
You know better than that! What's the matter with you? What are you, STUPID or something..?? Don't you have any sense..!!??
These words cut very deeply. They wound and sting our hearts. I bet you can add a few words of your own because you heard some similar remarks.
But you know what hurts worse than these harsh words? The fact that they are spoken by the very same people who once praised you, cheered for you just because you tried your best. It didn't used to matter whether you succeeded or failed, as long as you made an effort.
Because people you once trusted now sting your heart, you withdraw in confusion, shame, embarrassment, humiliation. You feel betrayed by people you trusted, even disillusioned.
You shut down. You run from the glare of the spotlight that you once embraced because it hurts too much now. It no longer lets you shine like the star you were always meant to be.
When you do this, how do the people who turned against you respond? They tell everyone that you are "shy," withdrawn, that you keep to yourself, etc. Now there's something "wrong" with you. They just don't "get" you...they don't understand who you are.
If you see yourself in what I've just described, if you've ever felt this way, take heart, be of good courage. You may think failure is what you're afraid of, but that just isn't true. Something deeper is at the heart of what paralyzes you, something that seizes your heart with alarm at the prospect of failing again.
And I'll share that something with you...next time.
You'll learn what you are really afraid of, why it holds you back, and what you can do to move forward, even when it seems like everyone you know is working as hard as they can to hold you back, keep you down, and never let you stand on your own two feet.
That's all for now, gotta run. Until next time, remember...
Keep it simple... See ya!
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