What You're REALLY Afraid Of...And What You Can Do About It

"You don't have to be great to get started but you have to get started to be great." - Les Brown

I mentioned in Part I that people believe they are paralyzed by fear of failure. While this is true, the real issue goes much deeper. Fear of failure is just the tip of the iceberg. 

If fear of failure was the problem there are many things we never would have learned to do, much less tried. Think about it. We all struggled the first time we tried to walk and talk. But did we let that failure stop us from trying again? No, we didn't. We kept going until we learned how to do it. Setbacks didn't stop us.

I remember times in the backyard on Saturday mornings as a child, trying to hit Dad's pitching. He threw the ball, I swung. I missed. Over and over again. I failed but I wasn't discouraged; I didn't give up. I wanted to hit that ball.

So Dad kept pitching, and I kept missing until finally, I put the bat on the ball. And I hit it hard...into a neighbor's yard two houses away. My heart soared with the flight of that ball, and the thrill of success felt so good it erased every swing and miss that led up to it. The success was worth the struggle.

"Anything worth doing is worth doing badly until you get it right." - Mr. Leroy Washington, Les Brown's mentor

You can probably think of times in your life when something you failed at the first time (or many times) didn't stop you from going after what you wanted until you got it.  So what happened that got us paralyzed with fear, our hearts, and minds seized with alarm, at the possibility of falling short?  I believe it was this:

"Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap one through 'opinions' and sometimes through ridicule, which is meant to be humorous. Thousands of men and women carry inferiority complexes all through life because some well-meaning but ignorant person destroyed their confidence through opinions and ridicule." - Napoleon Hill 

More than anything else, people are afraid of being judged and ridiculed in response to failure. And what makes it even worse is knowing who is responsible for doing so: the very people who gave them love and encouragement so early in life when they struggled and failed: family members and close friends.

They were hurt by insensitive remarks coming from people they loved, trusted, looked up to when they were vulnerable, dependent, sensitive so early in life. Many people withdraw because of this, keeping to themselves for fear of being hurt again. Then they are labeled as moody, antisocial when the truth is they just don't trust the people that hurt them anymore. And no amount of "I didn't mean it, I was just teasing, you just can't take a joke, don't be so sensitive," is going to change that.

We all hate to look bad, to feel ashamed or embarrassed. We hate to look stupid when things don't work out the way we planned. So we pull back from trying anything new. We've been brainwashed into thinking that success means never dealing with failure. We seek to avoid failure at any cost.

During such moments it may help to take advice from a favorite childhood author, Dr. Seuss, who reminds us to "remember a thing we forgot," a lesson from our youth that can serve us well today.  

Yes, it hurts to have people judge and ridicule you that once had your back. No, you don't have to make them stop laughing at you, but there are things you can do in response. Here's what I suggest: 

1. Recognize that ridicule from others is just an opinion, not a fact. Les Brown's mentor, Mr. Leroy Washington shared some wisdom that Les uses to this very day: "Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." Just because others look down on you doesn't mean you have to do it, too. Love and validate yourself, no matter what others think about you.

2. Remember that failure is nothing more than feedback. That's all. A great lesson we learn from sports is that sometimes plays don't work the way we expected them to; they fail. When they do, we can make adjustments to get a better result the next time we try. Many winning teams, especially football, and basketball teams use the halftime break to adjust their strategy which can make the difference between victory and defeat at the end of the game. Life works the same way. You can make adjustments when things aren't working for you so you can make your life better.  And finally...

3. Remind yourself that every mistake you make provides a chance to grow, to get better, not worse. Take the advice of Thomas Alva Edison, the Wizard of Menlo Park. After thousands of failed attempts to invent the incandescent light bulb, he simply said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." He didn't let failure discourage him, but used every setback as a learning opportunity to help him find a way to make his invention work. As they say, the rest is history. You may not be inventing a product or service, but you may need to reinvent yourself in some way to achieve a unique success that makes you stand head and shoulders above the crowd.

Failure is not a dead end people, it's a detour. We discovered in our youth that failure is an opportunity that can help us to make needed changes if we take advantage of them. Despite what people may think, failure is part of the process that leads to success.  Embrace it.

Failure can teach us to grow stronger, to grow wiser, better than we would have become otherwise.  But this can only be possible if we view failure the right way...as a blessing rather than a curse.

So the next time someone mocks you for making a mistake, don't cringe, don't cower. Don't even get mad. Just smile and hold your head up, secure in the knowledge that each swing and miss gives you a chance to improve, to adjust, to sharpen your focus so you can get back on track.  If you can do that, before long you will be thankful for the opportunity to turn that setback into a comeback because you learned how to pick yourself up every time you fell down.

"You just can't beat the person who never gives up. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. Never let the fear of striking out get in your way." - Babe Ruth

"Many of life's failures are people who didn't realize how close they were to success when they gave up.  Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

That's all for now, gotta run.  Until we meet again, remember:

Keep it simple...See ya!