"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby
I heard a story years ago about a father, a son, and a mule called Self. The three of them were traveling, and along the way encountered people who were critical of everything they did: some didn't like seeing the father ride the mule while the son walked alongside, others disapproved of seeing the father walk while the son rode the mule. Every time they heard someone's criticism they changed positions in an effort to make their critics happy, until finally, in the midst of a last attempt to change places, the mule bolted, took off into a full gallop, and sped away before either the man or his son could catch up. They were left to travel the rest of the way without their mule to help them. Moral of the story: if you keep changing to please others, eventually you will lose your Self.
Now I admit to butchering the story a bit for the sake of time (I'm not sure I told it quite right, to be honest), but I believe there is a point to be made here. I see myself in this story as I read it. I have been guilty many times of doing exactly what the father and son did: I kept changing myself to please other people, to the benefit of no one in particular, and much to my own detriment. I settled for less in many areas: my health, my sanity, my identity, my dignity, my sense of purpose, my competence, my self-respect, and eventually my happiness. I tolerated things I shouldn't have tolerated for the sake of trying to become what other people thought I should be, the type of person I had no business aspiring to become, because deep down I knew it just wasn't me. I lost years of joy and peace of mind too, and for what? To get on the good side of people who really didn't care about me, people whose opinions of me as a person really didn't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things? Really...? REALLY..?? It was a mistake; I can't say it any plainer than that. I have made this mistake for many years, and I believe I'm not the only one who has done so. Some of you have made this mistake too.
Now to be clear, I'm not talking about people who willingly make sacrifices to benefit other people, or those who give of themselves voluntarily to improve the quality of life for themselves and their loved ones. Don't get it twisted. Sacrifices made in the short term to gain a greater long term benefit can indeed be valuable when they are made voluntarily, without manipulation or coercion involved. Service with a willing heart is always a good investment. I'm talking about something much different, something which causes you to lose yourself in the process in such a way that what you do doesn't benefit you are anyone else in the long run. I'm talking about COMPROMISE. Now some of you might balk at such a notion, because you believe compromise is a good thing, because concessions are made that can eventually be beneficial as it relates to what is known as "delayed gratification." That isn't the kind of compromise I'm talking about here, I'm referring to something altogether different. There's another definition of compromise that is not often discussed or acknowledged, which I'd like to point out:
COMPROMISE: a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial; a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason
(source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online www.merriam-webster.com)
This type of compromise compels people to abandon their identity and their sense of self-worth in a futile attempt to gain the joy in life and peace of mind that would be more readily available to them if they spent more time getting in tune with their genuine selves. A friend recently told me, To change for others is to lie to oneself. We spend too much time bending over backwards to do what others want to see and say what others want to hear, all at the expense of our own integrity. This causes many a sleepless night, followed by a struggle to look ourselves in the mirror the next day, a struggle not always caused by a lack of sleep. We fool ourselves into believing to be successful we must be more like "they" are and less like we are.
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not be false to any man." - William Shakespeare
I believe a big reason why we do this is because we confuse success with popularity. I remember reading the play Death of a Salesman in high school, and looking at the main character, Wily Loman, a salesman who had seen better days in his life (to be kind, they were few and far between), days which were well behind him. He had fallen short in many ways, but his biggest shortcoming to be sure was the stubborn notion he clung to with every fiber of his being, that success in life meant being "well liked," a belief that damaged not only his career, but his personal relationships as well, particularly those with his own family.
Just like Wily, we forfeit ourselves in this manner. Why? I believe it's because we somehow fear deep down inside that we're just not good enough to be seen by others as we truly are. We think we fall short, we don't measure up to everyone else's standards, we believe to measure up we have to become just like everybody else, a carbon copy. This is probably the cruelest punishment of all, because it is self-inflicted, the killing of oneself softly. Truth is, you are better than you realize. Think about it, who's more qualified to be you...than YOU? Your unique gifts, talents, abilities, and yes, qualities, are capable of performing feats that others who try to walk in your shoes dare not think of imagining.
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi
To recap, giving yourself in service to others is good and noble. It is worthwhile, it is uplifting (to you as well as others) and it is fulfilling, so long as you do so voluntarily, your free will is not violated, and whatever you do is in tune with your purpose, your sense of worth and personal values. To forfeit your life in a vain attempt to get people to "like" you is not good. You are denying your true, genuine self in the fleeting hope that you will gain eventually what you've always wanted by doing things that run contrary to your nature. Success has more to do with purpose than popularity, because while purpose can fill your life with joy unspeakable until it flows over to every area of your life, popularity is like the sandy shore, coming and going, constantly shifting, a here today, gone tomorrow existence that can drain your hopes and dreams, steal your joy, rob your very life. You can go from the latest flavor of the month on everybody's tongue to "whatever happened to" status so fast it will make your head spin.
Stop lying to yourself. Stop cheating yourself. Stop forfeiting your life, giving your power away to people who don't know you, care about, appreciate or deserve the unique individual you were always meant to be. Dare to be yourself as you truly, genuinely are, right here...RIGHT NOW. Dare to serve others as the man or woman you truly are, fully in tune with your genuine self, and you never have to be concerned with trying to please everybody, or anybody, ever again. And no matter what others have to say about you one way or the other, whether they agree with you or disagree with you, being true to yourself will fill your heart with an unspeakable joy and peace. That's something nobody can take away.
Okay, that's all for now. Hope you enjoy, thanks for reading. Until we meet again, remember folks:
Keep it simple....See ya!
Click the link below to learn what happy people do with their lives:
http://yhoo.it/1hlcpDW
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